Retail Reality Check

Customers can be fairly clever. I used to work for a company that sold children's clothes. We had one "special" gal who knew how to work the system.

When she first started shopping with us, her daughter was probably about two years old. And adorable. But as is the case with kids, they grow. Then out-grow their clothes. This particular gem of a customer had a master plan, and sometimes I wish I had thought of it.

Each year as the kid out-grew her clothes, the mom would simply bring in the old clothes and "exchange" them for the next size up. And of course she knew that this particular company was very customer-service oriented. You know, "the customer is always right" malarky. Anyway, it started out slowly. She would simply bring in one or two items each season and state that it must have shrunk in the wash (or something) and could she just have it replaced. But she always wanted the next size up.

It didn't take us long to catch on to her scheme. We kept track of all of her "transactions" and informed our corporate office. They took great pleasure in sending her a certified letter in which she was asked to NOT shop at our store any longer (considering she hadn't actually paid for anything in years...)

Looking back at it now, I applaud her creativity. Over the course of 2 years (the wheels at corporate move very slowly) she got new clothes for the kid by just making that one initial purchase. Ingenious! Wish I had thought of it.

Of course for adults, it's not so much that we have growth spurts, but think of the possibilities if you are a yo-yo dieter. You could exchange your skinny clothes for roomier ones if you ate at the buffet of life too many days in a row. Or conversely, trade in your chubby clothes if you've decided that toast is a complete meal and that's all you eat. Think of all the money you could save! Her plan was brilliant

Why is it that everyone wants something for nothing? It's as if all of human-kind thinks that everything should be free or that they are entitled to everything as a "gift".

Trust me, nothing in life is free. Ever. If there isn't a pricetag attached to it, then there are strings. And you're the dummy.

In retail, we frequently run sales where there is a "gift with purchase". Please be sure to read the fine print. Most people don't. There is usually a catch, like "Free gift with $50 or more purchase. One per customer." Seems pretty straight forward, right??? Guess again.

What part of "one per customer" doesn't make sense? You can't even imagine the number of greedy customers that want to get their grubby paws on as many as they can get. It says ONE you idiot!!!

And even when we don't have free gift specials running, it doesn't stop the imbeciles from asking for something. And believe me, they would take anything, as long as it was FREE. Doesn't matter if they don't need it or wouldn't ever use it... the mere fact that it is free supercedes all logic.

The best part of the whole thing (and it case you didn't catch my sarcasm, I'm pointing it out) is that when you give them nothing free, they give you attitude! What has happened to common sense and decency in this world?!?! If you don't have money to shop, please do us all a favor and stay home. This is America, where Capitalism is King, and we require actual payment for products.

Just because you asked for something free doesn't mean you are automatically entitled to something for free. Taking something without paying for it is called theft. I'd be happy to get you a FREE ride to jail for that.

The way I see it... the bigger the company, the more problems you can expect. It's a concept that applies to most lines of work, but in retail it gives new meaning to "lack of communication". Sometimes I wonder if the right hand even knows that the left hand exists.

Let's start at the bottom of the food chain. You have your basic, run-of-the-mill salespeople (and actually, they are the backbone of the company).Then typically you have the Assistants and the Manager. Consider yourself lucky if the Manager spends any time at all on the salesfloor. I worked for one recently who claimed she "knew everything that was going on in the store" yet she was rarely ever visible in it. In her eyes, her "favorite" Assistant could do no wrong and she had equally strong opinions about several salespeople. Funny thing is, her "favorite" Assistant was a Loss Prevention nightmare, constantly falsifying documents and frequently spending the bulk of her shift balancing her checkbook or shopping online. Her "favorite" salespeople had the worst attendance records and spent their days looking busy while doing next to nothing. So much for being omnipotent.

Next up the chain you have your "middle-management"... Area Managers, District Managers, Regional Managers, etc. They are basically the buffers between the slaves in the store and the primadonnas who sit in cushy offices and have no clue.

But the real problem is usually at the top. The number of "Departments" (Marketing, Product Development, Sales, Visual, Distribution, Payroll, Inventory Control, Human Resources and so on...) is staggering. Then you have a plethora of sub-categories amongst them. AND NONE OF THEM COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER!

So, "Merchandising" wants you to feature Item A. But that competes with Item B which "Marketing" is trying to promote. And "Distribution" can't get you what you need anyway because "Production" is behind schedule. But that's too bad because the sale fliers have already been sent out. And oh yea, there was a misprint and the price is listed incorrectly and the expiration date is wrong. And don't forget you get no extra "Payroll" hours to staff for the expected onslaught of customers generated by "Advertising". (And you might as well just plan on doing the 6 hour floor move that "Visual" requires after the store closes.) And if that weren't enough, don't forget reviews are due to "Human Resources" by Friday. And you will be having a visit from the lucky "V.P. of Whatever" who won the corporate raffle and gets to use the company jet this week.

Bless our middle-management-mouthpieces. The message they deliver at this point is "Just make the customer happy". Ok, no problem. How 'bout this: One Day Only... Everything is Free!!! While Supplies Last.

Seriously people, perhaps the problem is that we have too many "layers" of people who apparently can't coordinate diddly. Right Hand... meet the Left Hand.

It's a good thing you don't have to put in a change-of-address card with the post office everytime you change desk locations at a job. I was a real Cubicle-Hopper, and not by choice.

At one point in my life, I thought it would be "fun" to have a regular Monday thru Friday job. You know, 9 to 5, the whole bit. So I "retired" from retail, and got an office job where I became a cubicle-dweller. And let me just say this... humans should not have to be sequestered into tiny "offices" where you can hear your neighbors every conversation due to the paper thin walls of cubicle-ville. Don't be fooled. Cubicles are NOT offices, no matter what they tell you.

I worked for this particular company for about 18 months. And it that timeframe, I had 8 different desks!

Early on, I realized that having "personal items" in my cubicle would just hinder the never-ending moving process. So I had no pictures, candy dishes, etc etc. The biggest issue (and pain in the neck) was moving the computer equipment and then trying to remember my new phone extension. Luckily, we had an IT guy who made the job easier.

When I was moved to what turned out was my last desk, I found out that the phone line didn't work in that cube. (Actually, we called that particular cube's location "The Gates of Hell" as it was right outside of a V.P.'s office and she was coincidently named "The Devil"). As for the non-working phone, I kept my mouth shut for as long as I could. The peace and quiet was like bliss in a box (the box, of course, being the cubicle.)

And when I left that job, all I needed to do was take my purse and leave. No need to pack up any personal items... there weren't any.

What do you look for in a boss?? Personally, I like to work for someone that I can learn something from. If my superior has nothing to offer me, I feel like my professional growth will be stunted. Or, if they are a real dimwit, I fear that I will end up doing their job without the pay or recognition. (I also prefer to work for men. Not to slam my own gender, but let's face it... we can be a bit moody.)

I was lucky for a while at one company. My District Manager lived in another part of the state, so I rarely saw her. (Yes, I have just contradicted myself... in this case, my female boss was outstanding.) She had great communication skills and actually cared about what was going on in my store. She was my link between the "real world" in the store and the "fantasy land" at corporate. She could make things happen.

Then one day it happened. She got a better offer with another company. And she was gone.

Her replacement was real piece of work. And by work, I'm referring to her obvious cosmetic surgeries. There was fake all over the place on her. Her level of intelligence, however, couldn't be surgically enhanced. And that's where the fun began.

She was not a "numbers person". In fact, I think Math was a foreign concept to her. At this particular company, we did things the old-fashioned way... we used a paper ledger, where all the columns and rows had to add up. And here's where I got an idea that would keep Bay Watch Barbie out of my hair, and thus, out of my store. Exploiting her weakness was the name of the game.

When she was scheduled to visit, I would simply leave the ledger open on my desk in the office, giving the appearance that we had "numbers" to discuss. Without fail, she would arrive, notice the book, get that "deer in the headlights" look and then promptly announce that she had a party to attend later that day and she needed a new outfit. And within moments, she was out the door and on a shopping spree.

True story. My visits with her rarely lasted more than 10 minutes. And we never called her Bay Watch Barbie to her face, just behind her back. We didn't want to be rude.