Retail Reality Check

Have you ever worked with someone who is absolutely nuts? I have... he is certifiable. Crazy. Bonkers. Lost his marbles. Wacko. Delusional.

He has no sense of reality. And worse, he truly believes his own lies. I think he needs professioanl help. His co-workers try to ignore his obnoxious behavior, but he is a real pain in the butt.

I'd say that he is unmanageable, but that would imply that I can't do my job. The better explanation is that he thinks he doesn't need to be managed. He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks he's perfect. And he doesn't even comprehend the concept that "a year" is defined and recognized as 12 consecutive months. But I digress.

This looney-tune that I speak of has worked with this particular company on and off for 10 years. Mostly off. In fact, during 1 "year" he worked a total of 20 hours (3 hours in November and 17 in December). He thinks that is equal to the employees who actually worked the ENTIRE YEAR (reminder... 12 consecutive months). What a slap in the face to the other employees! On what planet is 20 hours during 2 months equal to 20 each week for 52 weeks?!?! He is INSANE!

He has developed a habit of profiling our customers. He stands at the front of the store and looks out the window. He looks for high-end cars and well dressed people. If he sees someone who is carrying a mailer that indicates a small sale, he runs to the backroom and hides, so that a co-worker has to take the sale. But we are onto him. We are well aware of his less than subtle ways. He's not fooling anyone.

It's amazing that he is still employed. He has no problem speaking his whacked-out mind, and is incredibly argumentative. I guess when you're crazy enough to believe that the fantasy world in your head is reality, there's no stopping you. His momma must have dropped him on his head a few too many times.

I've also noticed that he has "the crazy eyes". Someday he'll go postal. Mark my words... this nutjob is going to blow... news at 11. He's unstable.

Ok, better late than never. The holidays were over long ago, and the next ones will be here before you know it. But here's my take on the "festive" season.
Retail sucks at best, and it does a real number on your holiday enjoyment. In fact, you might as well just forget about any traditions, because you're going to be working when most people are out celebratng (drinking). Hours are longer, sales goals are bigger, all bets are off.

I suppose I shouldn't complain too much though. We barely have "extended" hours where I work, and we get to close early on Christmas Eve. Yep, only had to work until 3, not 5 or 6, like other retailers. And.. we were closed New Years Day. Almost unheard of in the retail world!

I feel sorry for the others who work for those money-grubbing companies that want to be open 24/7, even during the holidays. Apparently, the bottom-line is more important to them than their employees lives. For Christ's sake, if people can't get their shopping done between 9am and 9pm, then they don't deserve to shop. And let's not forget, the internet is "open" all the time, so you can shop-around-the-clock if you want to from the comfort of your own lazy boy.

One customer had a zinger for another who was complaining about the lines. She loudly said "If you can't handle the crowds, stay home. It's the Christmas season and it's like this everywhere, every year. Get over it!" I laughed out loud. And pissed off the whiner. Too bad...

What the hell... the Jews get 8 days to celebrate, the rest of us get 1. We should be able to enjoy it. Behave people. Mind your manners, and get some focking Christmas spirit. Even if you have to find it at the bottom of a glass.

My goal in life is to win the lottery. "Working" is just something I do to pay the bills until I retire to Easy Street, USA.

Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy my current job (most of the time) so my life is not a complete waste at this point. But if I were to win a jackpot, my first and only thought would be "Hmmmmm, should I give a two week notice or not?"

Someone has to win. It might as well be me. That's my attitude (and I think a pretty good one!). They say you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning, so I moved to the "Lightning Strike Capital of North America"... and perhaps that has improved my chances of winning!!!!

Guess I'll go to work tomorrow. Who know what kind of weirdness awaits me. I think I may be having a "surprise" visit from my boss this week. Lucky me. (Wrong kind of luck.)

So for all of you who plan to come see me tomorrow and expect something for nothing, I salute you. And wish you luck. Homey here is not playing your game... my sights are set on winners, not losers. Please bring some form of payment for the merchandise you plan to purchase. Thank you.

At this point, I thought it would be fun to give you the history of why I started this blog. Actually, the inspiration came from many sources. Over the years, my co-workers and I have always commented "we should write a book" when something totally off the wall happened at work. We always figured that no one would believe the weird things that happened in retail, and some of the randomness is fairly amusing.

Then I had the pleasure of seeing the movie "Julie and Julia" recently, and it got me thinking. They say you should write about what you know, and although I enjoy cooking, there is no way I could blog my way thru a cookbook. In fact, I would have to "modernize" the fabulous recipes of Julia Child and re-title the experience "Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Using Only a Microwave and Crock Pot". I do not think it would do her masterpieces justice. I would be afraid that her "boof bur-gon-yon" would turn into "boof bur-gone-wrong".

So I spent some time brain-storming with a clever friend of mine (who, by the way, is a computer genius), and he helped me set this whole thing up. If you are need of a technical-guru, let me know... he's the best!

Write about what you know. That's the key. I've been in retail longer than I care to admit, but it has provided me with some great experiences. And I wanted to share...

And so a blog was born.

Once a week I have to complete my "weekly notes" and email them to my bosses. There are several categories that I have to comment on... Marketing, Merchandising, Operations, Inventory, Staffing, etc. The upper-cheese levels just want to know what's going on in the field without actually being in it, so they ask us to send them weekly updates.

It was a particularly slow day today, so I had the pleasure of reading thru old "Updates" that were saved on the computer. There were reports dating back three years!

Bottom line... I stood there laughing most of the afternoon as I read the memos! It seemed as if the former manager must have been on the brink of a meltdown. His comments were priceless.

He told the Big Cheeses that they were "creating monsters by letting the customers combine offers when it clearly states that offers can not be combined." He went to say that our company motto should be borrowed from that hamburger chain (Have it Your Way!). He told of one incident where a customer got upset because we were out of stock on an item, so the customer "threw the ad at him and cursed at him as she left the store". His next comment was "Great working conditions".

And once you create monsters, you can never get rid of them!

He also snuck in a little gem after stating that they had been waiting five weeks for a computer that was supposed to be there in three, but corporate promised it would be there the next week. His reply to that was "I won't hold my breath".

Apparently, he went out of his way to help a customer, and bent the rules a little by giving the customer a small discount on an item that wasn't on sale. The next day he got a "nasty-gram" (as he put it) from someone at Corporate asking him why he did what he did. His reply to Corp was "It's called Customer Service, or don't we do that anymore".

Don't know how this manager met his demise... but his comments were hilarious. I could totally relate to his total disgust for the drama that surrounds retail. Not sure if the customers drove him crazy, or if corporate did. Hope he's enjoying a padded cell somewhere. He seemed to earn it.